So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
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newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.