“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
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Squirrels before girls.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
See..?
.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.