“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
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My dating profile:
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Birds & Planes.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it