@drinkcherrycoke: So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you've hit,i will be removing mine
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@PowKapowBoom: My cat is stuck in a Cheeto bag and I'm really pissed that I didn't think of that first.
@pleatedjeans: Wife: did you know there's an "I hate Jeff" group that meets in the park? Me: yes I started it I am the president
@Mr_Kapowski: *ring* Her: Hello, Sex Addict Hotline Me: Help please Her: Ok sir. Let's take some breaths. Deep. Slow. In and out Me: THIS ISN'T HELPING
@slimmy_shady: Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven't met my kids.