I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
You Might Also Like
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Dance like you’re not the father
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*