We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
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Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Terribly Tuesday.