So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
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Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.