So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
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*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
guys i’ve cracked the code
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!