So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
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Word.
~ Microsoft.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure