So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
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[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
*jingles half the way*
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.