So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
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Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.