So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
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If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
ibopfufen