So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
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One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.