So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
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[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.