So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
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cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.