So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
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Worst perfume name ever.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Guantanamo Bae
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes