A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
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Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.