So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
You Might Also Like
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Hell yeah 👍
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad