So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
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[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.