So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
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the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms