8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
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domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I hate everything
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT