So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
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I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Saint West, the patron of selfies
(Gaming support cat.)
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.