Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
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Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.