*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
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Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.