So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
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yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.