So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
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Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.