So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
You Might Also Like
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.