@yobrah_: So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper 'please delete my internet history' into any hole on the computer
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@Brianhopecomedy: "Doctor, is the baby healthy?" "Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her." "Huh?" *Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: Don't be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit. ME: Ok, I will. [later that day] ME: I quit BOSS: WHAT?? ME: I said, nice squid
@bmarked21: My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.