So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
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“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…