So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
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Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
my nickname in college
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
#milo