so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
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[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.