So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist
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Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn鈥檛 notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it鈥檚 weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I鈥檓 the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he鈥檒l be going back to kindergarten.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I鈥檓 hungry, can I have some lunch now
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
it鈥檚 amazing when it鈥檚 ur birthday 馃檪 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
they finally got him. they got macavity
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
You鈥檙e 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow