sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
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Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My Plans 2020
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Rambo Rambow