[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
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Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
“i miss shittin on people”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
how high up are we talkin’?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.