So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
You Might Also Like
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away