@10InchesPlus: So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I'm listening.
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@iwearaonesie: wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun! wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
@DallyDoll: Gross. This salad tastes like pee and vegetables. Don't ask me how I know what vegetables taste like.
@hrtbps: Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler? Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.