So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
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OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?