So inspired right now.
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A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
secret recipe
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!