So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
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T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.