So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved