@MikeRider24: So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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@dhumann: You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you've sighed six or seven times.
@michaelianblack: Ted Cruz thinks: 1. Presidents should pray every day 2. More prayers the better 3. Muslims pray 5x day 4. Ted Cruz wants a Muslim president.
@weirdralph: The next time someone says "expect the unexpected," I'm going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that.
@KalvinMacleod: [pet store] COP: someone's been stealing puppies OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*