Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
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*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried