Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
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“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
the answer was staring at me all along
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking