“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
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[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.