@ShittyComedian: So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn't Santa. LOL drugs.
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@JohnLyonTweets: Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird! Band: *plays Freebird* Me: Well that backfired.
@TwinSurvivalist: It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can't believe that isn't butter.
@MatCro: *phone rings* Wife - "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me - *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle* Wife - "....""
@iwearaonesie: [grocery store] me *hits back of wife's leg with the cart* Funny running into you h- wife: Go wait in the car me: Ok