@ShittyComedian: So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn't Santa. LOL drugs.
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@GrantTanaka: me: [unconscious in hospital bed] wife: I think we're ready to pull the plug dr: why wife: quality of life dr: he could wake up at any moment wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
@simoncholland: My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it's my fault.
@QwertyJones3: "See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today." -Oh really? Why? "Because I lost my tennis racquet."
@slimmy_shady: Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how'd you know I teach fat kids?!