@ShittyComedian: So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn't Santa. LOL drugs.
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@HatfieldAnne: Shouting “wahoo” instead of “woo-hoo” so everyone in this bar knows that I'm into fun AND sport fishing.
@SerialFuckup: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
@bombsydoll: *sees guy having a heart attack* me: quick somebody push a cookie in his mouth! person: isn't that for diabetics? me: it's what I would want