So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
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how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Simple
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.