So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
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*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table