So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
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So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
The news
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.