So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
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“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Remember folks 😂
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT