“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
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[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Teach your children to beatbox
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
$3 #books
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*