So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.