Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
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I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.