“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
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*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.